SCREAMS
Is it me or them?
I don't know what this is supposed to be but….
It feels like there's no space for me in the world. It feels like I express myself a lot and at the same time, I don't express myself enough. Feels like they don't really like me and are just putting up with me based on one or two. I ask again, is this love thing really for me? Both romantic and platonic. Maybe I was supposed to be the female version of Paul, never to be married.
Phew…
My heart burns, I feel like I can't breathe. Should I not consider the possibility of me being the problem? It does not have to be them all the time right? Nothing ever really works out in the end. Either they lose their way and blame me or they just choose every other person aside from me.
It's a cycle. Looks like it's mine then the next minute I'm reminded never to lay claims. Is it me or them? I feel like I'm waiting to be picked.
I am exhausted. I don't know if it's right to say this but I really don't believe there's anything for me in this life but I'm not going to stop being open and don't worry too much about me, suicide is never an option.
I don't think I'm being selfish but I want my own people. I want people who go all out for me with the same intensity I do for them. I want people that will fight for me and defend me. Now my heart feels so desolate and I don't want to meet any new people anymore. The burning in my heart intensifies.
Something is missing. I'm so sure of that. There's an important part of my life that's not there, most probably why I feel so empty. Not like I desperately want to be in a relationship, nahhhh. I just want my own love story, doesn't have to be romantic right now. I just want to be naked with someone.
When the first time happened, I was like this is evidence that I actually do have a heart. Then it was messed up. I made up my mind not to ever go that route again but here I am drowning again in the same sea of uncertainty. Constantly waiting for the total and final shattering. I said it that night, it just took this long.
Wait a minute, or is it me? Am I the problem? Do I just get so emotionally involved with people that I ignore my interest? Now I'm on a rampage, and it looks like I'm trying to destroy the few beautiful things I have left. Who am I to tell about this surge of pain that keeps erupting in my heart . Afterall I was told it would eventually hurt me but how was I to know I wasn't prepared mentally as much as I thought I was.
I just want some quiet in my head… is it too much to ask? I speak like I’ve given so many people a chance right? Well, I haven’t but life has so dealt with me in the place of relationships with people that I’m always waiting for when they would leave. Just as Akinloluwa left. For the first time in my life, someone offered me such pure innocent friendship, I couldn’t resist but it was snatched as quickly as it was given. My fears were affirmed…Don’t mind me I value deep connections with friends and romantic partners with probably almost the same intensity.
I'm not projecting or deflecting, whichever one, I just saw it before he came. I wasn't chosen, then I was “dumped” and it continued. I give a lot of chances, trust me. This is all a lot for me to handle. Don't take it too personal, I wasn't served breakfast.
Well, the navigating side of me just awoke.
Am I the problem?
Truthfully, I have no idea. I just know that when situations like this arise it's very normal to question myself. Most of the time it's not always one-sided but self-evaluation isn't exactly a bad idea. I am just trying my best not to blame every other person aside from me. I still remember that the other person's role and communication style contribute to the way I feel.
Do I get too emotionally involved?
I do! There's nothing that I do that has no emotion in it. I guess that's why it always has a lot of beautiful memories and every other person envies the way I connect with people. Then I think about it again, if it was so beautiful why did they leave?
I know I know…the intensity of my connections makes me unique. I also know what I said about maintaining healthy relationships. I just need something that can help me reduce this flood of emotions I carry around. Trust me it's like that even with strangers.
Dear broken hearted,
I pray you find your way to the good that comes after rejection. I’m so sure something better is coming your way and you just have to be open to receiving. Let God carry all of the baggage and relish in how complete he has made you.
In the end, I have this heart that draws strength from the fulfillment of helping others navigate life. I won’t lose the strength to survive, believe me. I am not particularly the girl people call a “lover girl”. I am just that girl whose survival is tied to a tiny string and if I don’t do what I do best (carrying people’s problems on my head), then that string cuts. Rather, maybe I think it will, nothing is certain. This is a bit too raw for you, I know, but this is the chaos going on in my head. I said I wanted to feel naked with someone, well, here I am. Will you guys accept me?
