Navigating frenemies and toxic friendship: A step to self preservation.
There are red flags, sometimes even orange ones.
It seems like I’m always trying to navigate through one thing or the other. Life itself is a journey we all are trying to navigate. Well, I am interested in our personal growth and I crave for everyone to be in healthy relationships and friendships. A lot of us are in toxic friendships without even realizing it. We might be blind to it maybe because it doesn’t look like the general definition of “toxic”. I often find examples in my life.
Early 2020, during corona break, I decided to work. At the job, there was this guy that was wooing me but I didn’t take him seriously. Then there was a new girl, at that time I was consciously trying to make female friends so I made space for her in my heart. Not long after, the guy moved to her and unknown to me they were already dating. The girl came to me one particular night to tell me how she had feelings for the guy and wanted to tell him how she felt. As a friend, I advised her against it while telling her the guys “playboy” history so she won’t get hurt in the end. You won’t believe it if I tell you at the same time, this babe was chatting with the guy telling him the exact opposite of what I said. She said a lot of bad things I never said. She even said “Lydia doesn’t know I’m a snake and I can bite, she won’t know what is coming for her”. How I found the chat is a long story but it was a very painful experience for me. I cried and couldn’t forgive myself for being too trusting. I couldn’t even bring myself to confront her, I was too broken. Apparently she found out that the guy was interested in me at a time and it didn’t sit well with her.
Truth be told, even before this incident, I had noticed her sneaky behavior but I saw it as nothing and normal. I guess I desperately wanted to hold on to something that I totally ignored the glaring red flags. You’re not supposed to be wary of red flags only in romantic relationships. They exist even in platonic friendship and they can affect your life in ways you don’t expect.
Highlights of my experience
The girl's initial friendliness: Her friendliness towards me made it difficult to see her true intentions. That gave her a lot of chances to sabotage me without even realizing it.
My desire for a connection: My conscious effort to make new friends made me too trusting and oblivious to the flags. Trying to make new friends isn’t a bad idea in itself, wanting it so badly that you’d take anything is the problem. She was born a day before me so that “twinnie” vibe was really exciting to me.
Red flags or orange flags
These flags vary per individual. We all have values and expectations from over various relationships. Even at that there are just some behaviors that shouldn't be endured, not even in platonic relationships. Just to mention a few:
- Backhanded compliments: A backhanded compliment is a comment that seems like a compliment on the surface, but is actually an insult. For example, "Wow, your hair looks great - you should do it like that more often!" sounds like a compliment, but the underlying message is that the person's hair doesn't usually look good. There are exemptions to this because there are some compliments that come off as that but are truly innocent. Consider the context and the intent of the complement before making assumptions.
- Passive-aggressive behaviors: Yeah, passive-aggressive behavior is a classic sign of a frenemy. It's when someone is hostile or angry, but they disguise it as something else, like being sarcastic or avoiding confrontation. For example, they might say, "No problem, I'll do it myself since you're so busy," when they actually feel resentful about being asked to do something.
- Jealousy and competitiveness: They might try to one-up you or put you down, or they might try to sabotage your success. For example, they might say something like, "I can’t believe you got that promotion - you must have kissed up to the boss." That kind of comment is designed to make you feel bad about your accomplishments.They are never truly happy about your success and it could even breed bitterness.
- Communicate only when they need something: To a lot of people, this might not seem much of a red flag, maybe we should call it an orange flag. To me if we barely have conversations, I don't consider you a friend. I understand the argument of, as young adults we can't have as much time as we used to. That's understandable, doesn't mean you entirely ghost until you need a favor. Adulthood even calls for more intentionality about your relationships, both platonic and romantic. People still keep connections, probably you're not as important to them as they are to you.
How to deal with frenemies?
Evaluate your behavior and boundaries, answer questions that can help you self-reflect. You should also set boundaries, you shouldn’t just accept just anything, it diminishes your self esteem as well as your mental health. You would always feel inadequate if you don’t set boundaries and stick to them.
Learn to communicate your feelings to your friends or significant other. Having open and honest conversations In handling issues in relationships cannot be over emphasized.
There are situations where you just have to cut them off completely for your mental health. Don't tolerate toxic friends because of the need to validate yourself. The other people in your life still need you with your sanity intact. I still need you to read my stories and grow.
Navigating friendships can be a journey filled with both joy and challenges. Through these experiences, we learn valuable lessons about trust, communication, and setting boundaries. Remember, true friends uplift you, support you, and make you feel valued. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and cherish those connections. As Winnie the Pooh once said, 'If you live for a hundred years, I want to live for a hundred years minus one day so I never have to live without you.’”
